The truth

I am the broken cog,
The piece which does not fit,
And never will.
I am disgrace,
Disgust,
The fear which lurks.

I am condemned.
Condemned to fires eternal.
Condemned to walk this earth.
Incomplete,
Misformed.
I am the silence,
When the family meet.

At seven I was told,
All men who do not love the Lord,
Will die and roast in flames.
And so I loved and tried to be,
Good enough for those,
Who claimed to love me.
But as I grew,
I found that I was made,
Wrongly, badly, not the way,
That God all perfect,
Said he had.

And so at fourteen,
I was taught,
The path my life would take,
And I believed the lies.
I would become a sinner,
Lost to grace,
A sexual beast,
Forever craving animals,
And kids.
And I was told,
That I would crave a dress,
A wig and make up.
Speak with a mincing voice.

This was my future,
I was told,
At fourteen,
By a man I did not know,
Who claimed to know,
The truth of god.

How I might rise,
Above my sinful self,
And take a wife,
And live life blessed.
At fourteen I was held,
Inside that room,
And with that man.
Who shouted fearful things,
To demons that had me possessed.
That man who spat,
In his bright fervor.
Who so constricted me,
With fear and prayer,
And hate of self.

And looking back,
I see that I was chained,
By him.
Chained to a belief,
That I was bad,
And helpless too.
That I could never know,
The joy of life,
Or live it.
I lived a life,
Where fear of me,
Became as bad,
As fear of god.

He took from me,
Locked in that
Darkened room,
My teenage years,
My adult life.
I will not know,
The joy of being young,
But only look back now,
With a deep regret.
That I, disgusting me,
Did not achieve,
The suicide,
That he told me,
Was better than to sin.

red-kite-w

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5 responses to “The truth

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